A note to the reader: Before you read on, take just a second to consider what this blog is and is meant to be. Its written with the intent to share, to encourage and to listen some, too. Its meant to be a place where people who want to share and be shared with can stop by, read along, and offer up some of their stories if the mood strikes. What it is most decidedly NOT is a place to judge others, look down upon anyone, or criticize the feelings and circumstances that befall those trying to conceive, raise families, and generally navigate life. Whether you have walked a mile in similar shoes or not, this isn't a place to judge anyone. Regardless of your beliefs...and they are valid....they are just that, YOURS. I would ask that you refrain from judgmental language, harmful comments, and typical snap judgments of others while reading and participating in discussion, be it via comment or direct email to me. That said, thanks for being part of this trek. Everyone appreciates support and kindness, and I, for one, am thrilled to give it right back. Now, as I was saying....
Recently, we've had some hard news. For a while, baby B wasn't doing so hot. He (I'm not sure he's a "he", but I just feel like that's the right pronoun for "him"), was smaller than A & C, moving along more slowly, and generally tagging along on the back end of development. As the weeks wore on, B started to catch up in size and milestones, enough that our RE thought we shouldn't count B out. So, we didn't. We watched him play catch up and became more excited about our three beans kicking up a fuss in my belly. Things were looking good from weeks 6 to 8, so I was confident and planning away.
Fast forward to week 9 (this week). Our scans of A and C looked good. Nice thumping heartbeats between 165 and 175 bpm, good looking sacs forming pretty placentas, little arm buds poking out and getting ready to wave in a few weeks' time! Magic! Little B, however, wasn't looking the same. His heartbeat was slower, his brain cavity not as full, and a lack of matter in places where his heart and brain should have been more densely formed. Our RE brought in another doctor (the quiet kind no one really wants to see) and together they poured over my scans and watch the ultrasound tech look and see. When she finished, the RE discussed B's lackluster situation and said he was pretty sure B wasn't going to develop normally...ever. You want to hear some life crushing words? Try "Your baby will likely develop with deformity and disability in his future...IF he survives at all." on for size. I cannot tell you how this took my breath away.
It turns out that my breath wasn't gone just from the words I heard spoken to me in that exam room. In addition to baby B's problems, I was also reminded that this pregnancy wasn't going to go well for me if I didn't find a way to keep the babies from taking me down. My blood pressure was resting at an alarming 165/98 AFTER taking meds twice a day to help control it. I had never seen a reading like that in myself before, and as I peeked over my chart notes, I realized it had been that way and rising since my 6 week scan. To add insult to injury, my diabetes was literally killing my kidneys, and the left one had decided function just wasn't for him anymore. This has happened a couple of times before, and each time, I was admitted to the hospital for observation. I couldn't believe I was on the verge of it happening AGAIN. But wait.....there's more! My glucose levels were reading over 300 regularly and my A1C was way high too. Damn. Dammit. Damn!
After a good snarly cry and some expletives I don't care to repeat...we talked with the RE and the MFM (maternal fetal med) doctors about what to do to fix some or all of this. Their plan? "Reduce" the pregnancy from three to two and see if we can mange that. Having baby B in such turmoil made both of them certain that this was the way to save the other two and make sure I didn't go anywhere either. I quickly protested. These are MY beans! You can't "reduce" them! What the hell!?!?!? The two of them formed a timeline and explained that we could wait a few weeks and revisit B and my status. In the meantime, I agreed to tons more meds and to rest most of the time. At my 11 week check, both MFM and RE would see whether we could make it work. If not, then I will consent to losing B in an effort to save A & C. They have assured me that the risk to A & C is so minimal as not to worry at all (less than 1%, thanks be to Gd).
I'll pray about it, console and be consoled by the hubs, and try my damnedest to get all my health concerns addressed in time for a good 11 week scan. We can do this, B and I. If nothing else, we are sure as hell going to try.