It's been a hard few days and I wouldn't wish half of it on anyone. I began with an appointment to see if MFM could clear me for light work and no more bedrest. Instead, they saw funneling past my cerclage and admitted me. I thought I was on for frustration, never loss.
I checked in and called my husband. Almost immediately, things progressed quickly from there. I was prepped for bed and given an ultrasound. Not an hour later, my water broke. Was that ALL of it or just one sac? It felt like one, but i had no idea what amount would be with each baby. It turned out the water was from only A, my trouble maker. She always did run the show.
After A's water broke, the cerclage couldn't hold and they had to remove the stitches. Once they did, she came right out. First to the finish line, as always. Baby B (formerly C) was in tact, but losing ground to A's changed position and he couldn't hold on. As he lowered, it became obvious that my septic infection would take us both, so they delivered him. His water was broken by the dctor and I pushed a few times to get him out. Olivia and Robert Hazey, III were born at 7:40 pm on June 10. Robert breathed on his own for a few minutes and they were cleaned and dressed for is to see.
They had such personalities, even from inside the womb. Olivia (A) was feisty and brash, like me. She fussed when she was ready and dug her heels in when she wasn't. She just...always seemed ready. Robert (C), affectionately known as B3, was more lax in his ways. He was calm and would have patience, napping when nothing was going on. Getting comfy where his sister would kick him nonstop. He was the baby made for a sister. Always ready to give over to what she wanted or needed. Robert was just like his father in so many ways, always chivalrous and never pushy.
As they cleaned and dressed the babies, I went into septic shock. The hubs had to sign consents to emergency measures and watched them wheel me to another room for surgery and a D &C. I lost 4 units of blood, most of my ability to fight, and all of my babies. I couldn't let the hubs come up empty, losing me, too. I fought. Hard. It took everything I had and some things I didn't, to make it out of that surgical suite. ICU was hellish too. But, I'm out. It'll be a long recovery, and a longer grieving period, but I'm still here to love and remember them, and I pray hard that they remember those five lovely months with me. Inside me. Growing and changing with me. They'll always be my children - my million dollar babies. The ones we loved and prayed for during our marriage and before. I love that they were ours, that their daddy named them and wanted them so. And I loved sharing them with you.
I couldn't seem to wrap my brain around them not being inside. I waited until I was out of ICU and saw them last night. They were beautiful! She had my eyes and his ears. He had my forehead and his daddy's chin. We love them so much that it almost killed me, literally. I sometimes wonder if I letting me go could have let them stay. I don't think so, so oddly, there's comfort in that. They'll be buried Tuesday, and lay together without a service or ceremony - just traditional blessings that Gd keep them and prayers with our rabbi.
It's been hard, and it still will be. I know my husband is still scared to lose me still, poor thing. He frets all the time about his "lobster" being taken away and I wish he didn't have to feel that. I'm here. We have each other to love fiercely. That won't change. Time will make us all better, I pray. Thank you for getting to know them and how they came to be. Thank you for supporting their charge into life and having hope that they'd be worthy little people. They...were. They so easily were the most loved people who ever came to be.
"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart."